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These jokes are not meant to offend anyone, and they are rated PG or G. If you have a musical joke, please EMAIL US: sales AT mansellesmusic.com Enjoy!
***How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because the world revolves around them!
***What's the difference between a Viola and a chain saw?
Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
***A salesman at Manselle's Music Shop leans over the counter to a customer. "Hey, I just heard a great new Viola joke" he tells him.
The customer looks him straight in the eye and replies, "Hold on a minute. I happen to be a professional Viola player, and I find Viola jokes offensive; You hear what I'm saying?!?! And by the way, the guy next to me - 6'4", 225 pounds - is also a Viola player. And the guy over there looking through the sheet music - first chair Violist with the Symphony - is a black belt. Now, do you still want to tell that Viola joke?"
"Nah, I guess not, replied the salesman. "I don't want to have to explain it three times."
***What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the bass, but doesn't.
***How many trombones does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
***What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
***How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."
***Why can't a gorilla play bass?
He's too sensitive.
***What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a symphony conducter when I grow up?"
"But Johnny, you can't do both."
***What would a trumpet player do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
***How many horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
***How do you improve the aerodynamics of a professional musician's car?
Take the Pizza Delivery sign off the roof.
***What do you call a lead guitar player with an IQ of 12?
Gifted.
***What's the first thing a guitar player says at work?
"Would you like fries with that?"
***Why do drummers always have trouble walking onto a stage?
They never know when to come in.
***What is the difference between a viola and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop a viola into little pieces.
***What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
***How do you get a bass section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
***How do you make a Violist play tremolo?
Write an open note and mark it `solo'.
***How can you make a trumpet sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
***A Bassist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor asks the Bassist, "What's wrong?"
The bassist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs."
The conductor replies, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the bassist replies, "He won't tell me which one!!"
***A Violinist has fallen into the canal and screams: "Help me, I can't swim!"
Another Violinist, standing ashore, answers: "Just fake it!"
***What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
***Why is it good that brass players have more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
***What's the definition of a minor 2nd?
Two Viola players playing in unison.
***What's the difference between a bass case and a coffin?
With a coffin the dead person is inside.
***What is the range of a piccolo?
Oh, about fifty feet on a good day.
***How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have a machine that does that now.
***In a famous orchestra was a Violist who had something hidden in his case. Nobody knew what he had. At the beginning of every rehearsal he looked in his case to see if his trade secret was still there. At the moment he retired his colleagues finally managed to sneak a look in his case. In it was a little note saying: Viola left hand, bow right hand!
***How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always speeds up.
***Did you hear about the violist who was so bad that everybody *else* in
the section noticed?
***What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.
***The orchestra is warming up backstage when suddenly the conductor is taken ill and rushed to the hospital. The scheduled program was to be all very difficult Berg pieces. No conductors are available on this short notice and the orchestra manager is at his wit's end since the alternative is to send the audience home. Suddenly he remembers that one of the viola players did a thesis on Berg in college. Desperate, he asks the man if he would be willing to conduct the program. The violist tells him frankly that he has never conducted before, but is willing to give it a try.
Sparing the details, he conducts; The orchestra comes through in the clutch, and the audience is wildly appreciative - giving the substitute conductor a long standing ovation.
The next morning, at rehearsal, the violist's stand partner turns to him and asks, "Hey ... where were you last night? We had a great concert."
***Why do oboe players leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
***What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed bassoon in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.
***What's the definition of a triad? Three violists playing a unison.
***A Viola player, fed up with the bad jokes and lack of appreciation, decides to change instruments. He goes into a shop, and says, "I want to buy a violin."
The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says, "You must be a Viola player."
The Viola player is astonished. "That's right; I am. But how did you know?"
"Well sir, for one thing, this is hardware store."
***One day Timmy came home from school very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, Guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around Q!"
His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a violist."
The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!"
"Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a violist."
On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a violist?"
"No dear," she said. "That's because you're 26 years old."
***What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
***Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them
***What's the difference between Kenny G and an UZI?
The machine gun repeats only 50 times.
*** Kenny G gets on an elevator and says "Wow! This rocks!”
***How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Five; one to stand on the stool and the other four to kick it out from under her.
***Jazz pianist George Shearing was blind from birth. Asked by an admirer whether he had been blind all his life, Shearing replied, "Not yet."
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